Rebel Without a Clue Read online

  “Ooh, French. Definitely French,” Hildie gasps. I’m tempted to toss her out of the car but she’s too skilled at hexes.

  “We’re looking for Scottish flair. Nothing else,” growled Julia for the eighth time. It’s cute that she’s still trying to set the Witch straight.

  “Wow, that one’s a beauty,” Hildie’s head is hanging out the window. “And the house ain’t bad either,” she chuckles. This time I’m laughing with her. The woman sitting on the porch is attractive. I have to admit. She’s not Julia but she’s attractive.

  “I’m going to kill her,” Julia hisses, clutching her head.

  “Oh, just lighten up Queen Z. A Witch Hunt can be fun if you let it be,” Boom Hildie exclaims. “Not everything has to be serious.”

  “What we’re doing is serious,” insists Julia. “And there are serious ramifications if we fail.”

  “Quit worrying about failure. It’s a beautiful day, we’re looking at beautiful houses. We can have a good time and still focus on our mission,” replies Hildie. “Just try it. You never know, you might like it. What do you think of this next house?”

  Julia is quiet for a moment, then says, “I think it looks,” she pauses. “Spanish.” It’s such a small thing but for some reason it made me really proud that Julia was able to cut loose a little. She’s always wound so tight. I worry about her. I guess Boom Hildie is okay.

  “Yep,” agrees Hildie. “Definitely not Scottish.” This went on for a while. Hildie would ask Julia what she thought and Julia would supply a region she felt the house resembled.

  When Hildie’s phone starts playing You Better Run she sighs. “Bibidee Bea is always trying to ruin my fun.” She picks up the phone. “This had better be good. My team is serious about completing our mission on time,” she winks at me in the review mirror and gives the thumbs up sign. Julia smiles to herself. I’m starting to like this Witch more and more.

  All I can hear from Bibidee Bea is rapid chatter. When Boom Hildie sucks in a shocked breath Julia stiffens in her seat. She turns and looks over at the Witch.

  “What do you mean she’s back? I lowered the Boom on her! That hex was no hoax,” she’s getting really worked up. “Is Australian Witch positive it was her?”

  “What’s going on,” asks Julia anxiously. She wants answers and she wants them now.

  Boom Hildie waves her off. “Those Warlocks best be ready. Messing with my magic is punishable by death,” she declares. “And the Dragon Lady is going to wish she hadn’t answered their call. This time I won’t play nice. We’ll split her up and send parts of her to the four corners of the earth.” She pauses to listen to Bibidee Bea, then says, “I don’t know where that is but we can google it.”

  After a few more back and forth conversations with the other Witch Boom Hildie hangs up. “It seems the Warlocks resurrected the worst Witch in Wiccan history. I have no doubt in my mind she was responsible for the atrocities done to your recruitment team.”

  “Can you take her down again,” Julia asks with a worried frown. Damn, all that work Hildie did loosening her up is now wasted thanks to those damn Warlocks.

  “Of course we can,” she says confidently. “But I doubt it will be easy. She has the support of the Warlocks, and if I know her, she’s already siphoned energy from a good number of them.”

  When Julia looks at her in confusions she says, “It’s a special skill of hers. The weaker Witches, or warlocks in this case. are vulnerable to her. They have less skill so it takes a greater number of them to get what she needs. She goes through them like tissues. When that Witch is done they’re not what they were. She strips them of their magic.”

  “How horrible,” murmurs Julia. “And now she has allies.”

  “Yes, but we can take them. We are not weak. Those Warlocks don’t even realize the danger they’ve subjected themselves to with her. They’ll find out though,” Hildie informs her.

  “Will you need help beyond each other,” asks Julia.

  “I’m pretty sure we can handle it but we need to come up with a game plan. Flying by the seat of our pants won’t work with the Dragon Lady. She’d eat us for supper.” She pauses. “Oh, yeah. I almost forgot the other thing Bibidee Bea told me. We need to get to the Outback Steakhouse. Bea’s called a team meeting.”

  I see the glint in Julia’s eyes and so does Boom Hildie. She warns her, “Don’t get worked up about her calling a meeting. Everyone knows you’re the head of the Zombies but this is a Witch issue.” She could see Julia preparing to argue her point. “I know it’s all interconnected but that Witch did major damage to our community. The wounds she inflicted are still not done healing even after all these years. We will not allow her that power over us again. “

  “What does this mean for the Zombies,” I ask point blank.

  She looks at me with the most serious expression I’ve ever seen on her. “It means you’re in deep. If they have the Dragon Lady they’re using the big guns now.” She looks at Julia. “There may be more to the abduction of your recruitment team than we first thought. “

  Julia looks scared which is not at all like her. “In what way,” I ask.

  Boom Hildie shakes her head. “I don’t know yet but it will need to be reviewed from every angle.” When I open my mouth to ask another question she says, “Save it for the meeting. This needs to be a team discussion.”

  This apocalypse gets bigger and more dangerous every day.

  Mercy Mayhem

  “You think they may have done something to the recruitment team’s minds,” I’m trying not to sound scared but I’m pretty sure the quiver in my voice gave it away. So what! This is freaking me out. I admit it! “Like what?”

  Boom Hildie shrugs and looks at the other Witches and Oz. “I don’t know. Maybe a mind trap?” When we all look confused she says, “It’s kind of like a wiretap but using the mind instead of an electrical device.”

  “Is there any possibility she’s controlling their minds,” asks Carmony. She’s as creeped out as I am but she’s way better at hiding it.

  Bibidee Bea is shaking her head. “No. I was in their minds. I would have felt her signature,” she insists. “If she’s using mind control it’s not on the Zombies yet but I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that she’s using it on the Humans and possibly the Warlocks or at least some of them.”

  “You think this was all created by the Dragon Lady,” Julia asks skeptically. “I’m willing to concede she may have played a part in it but I don’t think she’s the sole villain in this.”

  Bea sighs. “That’s not what I’m suggesting. I believe the Humans created this. I think the Warlocks willingly allied themselves with them. Once the Dragon Lady was brought in I think things began to change. I don’t think the Warlocks are running the magic for their team now. I think it’s becoming the Dragon Lady’s show. It’s only a matter of time before she’s running the Human’s side of this revolution.”

  “I agree,” says Australian Witch around a mouthful of steak. Apparently she’s a stress eater like me. “Except I think that time is already here.” When Bea looks at her expectantly, she explains. ” She was watering the lawn of that house like she owned it. We all know she’s not the type to do tasks for Humans. She obviously considers that house hers.”

  “She probably has the Scott stuffed in the freezer,” agreed Boom Hildie.

  “We need to get in that house,” Julia mutters.

  “What part of ‘worst Witch in Wiccan history’ did you not understand,” asks Boom Hildie in consternation.

  “All of it,” laughs Bibidee Bea.

  “She’ll have a protection spell on the house,” Oz explained to Julia patiently. “She’d know the minute anyone steps on the property.”

  She sighs in frustration. “Damn all this magic crap.”

  “That magic crap has saved you on more than one occasion,” Bea says wryly. “You’re welcome,” she adds because she knows how much it bothers Julia when she does that.

  Julia
grinds her teeth. “I don’t owe you a thank you.”

  “Your opinion,” mutters Bibidee Bea under her breath.

  Titus grabs Julia’s hand before she gets drawn into another long winded argument. “It’s not important,” he reminds her.

  She smiles at him. “You’re right. We need to focus on this war.”

  “As far as I can see the biggest obstacle to our victory right now is the Dragon Lady,” Pink says, “How do we eliminate her?”

  “That’s the million-dollar question,” replies Boom Hildie. “I’ll need a hex to end all hexes. One with no escape clause.”

  “We need a mole,” Julia says.

  Bibidee Bea rolls her eyes. “That would have to be one stupid mole. The Witch is not an idiot. She would see that coming a mile away.”

  Julia snaps, “Well, what do you suggest?”

  She was speaking to Bibidee Bea but I jump in anyway because that’s what I do. “A goat staked to the ground,” is my brilliant suggestion.

  Everyone stares at me like I have two heads. “What did you say,” asks Bea.

  “In movies when they want to lure out a beast or a monster they offer up a goat staked to the ground. Like a sacrifice,” I explain. It was one of those moments where I wanted to go back and swallow up all of the words I’d just vomited. When will I learn to keep my thoughts to myself?

  “That could actually work,” says Boom Hildie in shock.

  “It could?” I can’t believe I said something right for once.

  “That’s actually kind of brilliant,” Bea tells me with a grin.

  “It is?” I’m so awesome!

  “Good job, ninja nerd,” adds Pinkerton. He looks around the table. “So who’s going to be the goat?”

  Wait, what?

  “I’ll do it,” Julia volunteers. Of course, ever the leader.

  “You have no magic. She wouldn’t waste her time with you,” Bibidee Bea shoots down Julia’s offer.

  “I’ll do it,” Boom Hildie steps up.

  Bibidee Bea shakes her head. “No. We can’t risk you. We need you for the hex.”

  Australian Witch stops chewing. “I think I could do it,” she says not at all confidently. The thing is, that Witch scares the hell out of her. That would not be a good situation for anybody.

  Bibidee Bea chuckles. “Aussie, you’re a fit Witch for sure but a GOAT?” She pauses and sighs. “I think we all know who that should be. Don’t we?”

  “You’re going to let yourself be staked,” I ask in surprise.

  “Do I look like an idiot to you,” Witchy Bea asks. “Don’t answer that,” she points to Pink and Julia.

  “So, what’s the plan Witch,” asks Titus cutting right to the chase.

  “The plan is to make the Dragon Lady think I’ve been cast out. It’s possible for a lone Witch to survive but it’s not easy and certainly isn’t common. The hag won’t be able to resist the lure of my powers. I think I’ve mentioned that my powers are immense but it doesn’t hurt to remind you. This Witch is a force.”

  “What if she hurts you,” I ask. Bea can be overwhelming but I consider her a friend and that Dragon Lady sounds awful.

  “She’s not going to hurt me,” Witchy Bea scoffs. “These three are my backup,” she gestures to the two Witches and the Warlock beside her.

  “I’ll do my best to keep you safe, Bea,” promises Boom Hildie. “But you have to do your part too. You’ll need to keep your temper in check. That Witch knows how to play emotions.”

  “Yeah, well I’m not too shabby at it either. Right Queen Z,” Bea asks with a wink.

  Julia just ignores her comment. “When do you want to do this,” she asks instead.

  “We need to wait until I’ve worked out a hex,” says Boom Hildie.

  “Okay, and how long will that take,” Julia persists. She can be a tad pushy. I can’t blame her for it this time. That Dragon Lady sounds like she could do some major damage to our rebellion if we leave her unchecked.

  “Back off Queen Z,” Hildie warns. “This is magic not Amazon. You can’t just place an order and expect same day delivery.”

  “Hold up,” Australian Witch interrupts. “Amazon does that?”

  Julia rolls her eyes. “Can we please focus on the problem at hand?”

  Boom Hildie shakes her head sadly, “Back to being anxious Zombie. Damn, and we were making such progress Queenie. “

  When Julia looks like she’s getting ready to go for Hildie’s throat Titus says, “I think we’re all in agreement that the Dragon Lady has the Scott in her control. We can’t make a run at that rotten Witch right now without compromising our team.” He looks at Bibidee Bea intently. “What we really need to do is locate the other Human. Where can we find him?”

  Bea’s squirming in her seat. “Well, about that,” she sighs. “It’s kind of complicated.”

  Titus is rubbing his beard now. “It’s not complicated. It’s actually really simple.” His eyes are like lasers doing their best to penetrate her skull. “You either know where he is or you don’t.”

  Julia’s nodding in agreement with his statement.

  Bea fans herself. “Stop doing that!”

  Titus grins and continues stroking his beard. “Doing what,” he feigns innocence but he kind of sucks at it.

  “You know what you’re doing you twisted Zombie,” she growls. “You’re trying to distract me. Cut it out or that damn beard is going up in flames.”

  Titus scoffs. “You wouldn’t do that. You love my beard.”

  “Oh, I’d do it,” she insists. “But I’d be real sad about it later. You know, when your face is all bare and average looking.”

  He flinches at the image she paints but he stops petting his beard. “Where is that Human,” Titus asks again. I guess he’s decided to be relentless about this. I’m pretty sure it’s for Julia’s benefit. She’s looking at him right now like he’s the biggest, baddest superhero on the planet.

  “I think he may be dead,” Bea mumbles. “I originally thought he was in Florida because I kept getting images of pink flamingo shirts and old people sunning on the beach. But now all I see are dead fish.”

  So Bea’s magic speaks to her in Godfather references. Cool. “Do you think the Dragon Lady took him out?”

  “If I had to take a guess I would say yes,” Bea answered. “I just wish I knew the circumstances. Everything that old hag does is calculated.”

  Boom Hildie nods. “She’s sneaky that one. Until we bag and tag her everyone needs to sleep with one eye open. “

  “I’ve tried. It’s physically impossible,” I tell her.

  “I think it’s just a metaphor,” Carmony whispers to me.

  “Nope. I mean it literally,” exclaims Hildie. “She will come for us. I guarantee. And when she does you don’t want to be caught napping.”

  Australian Witch points in my direction. “Practice harder.”

  Great. Homework. “Fine,” I grumble.

  Pink elbows me in the side. “Just put on Buffy the Vampire Slayer when you go to bed,” he says with a smirk.

  Normally that smirk would bother me but I think about what he said for a moment. If Buffy is on I won’t want to sleep but exhaustion will make me. I think he may be onto something with this. I really think he may be onto something.

  “That makes sense,” I tell him making him laugh for some reason. “I’m being totally serious.”

  “I know. That’s why it’s funny,” he chuckles.

  Whatever. I’m going to try it tonight.

  “I think we need to concentrate on the Warlocks,” says Oz. “They are the common denominator to the Humans and the Dragon Lady. If she’s syphoning power from them then we need to cut off her supply.”

  “Good thinking,” Bea tells him. “You get on that. While you’re at it see if you can find out which Warlocks are leading the alliance. I need to throw some magic their way. Just enough to get the Dragon Lady salivating.”

  “You better make sure your shields are
solid before you go taunting her,” advised Oz. He looked worried. Bea didn’t seem to notice. She was too busy staring at Titus.

  She turns to Oz and with a dismissive wave of her hand says, “Warlock, please. My shields are as solid as a brick house.”

  I hope she’s right because it sounds like the Dragon Lady plays to win. At any cost.

  Chapter Four

  People magazine just named Titus Remington ‘The Sexiest Zombie Not Alive’.

  Proof that Humans have no standards.

  -out of the mouth of Pinkerton Floyd

  Mercy Mayhem

  Two days after the discovery of the Dragon Lady

  This Witch Hunt is kind of at a standstill right now. At least for the Zombies. I’m hanging in the Witch’s hotel suite because this is where all the action is. The Witches are busy bubbling brew, scribbling hexes and stalking Titus. That last part is actually just Bibidee Bea. I think she’s pretty lucky that Julia has no magic because if she did Bea would be writhing right about now.

  Julia Caesar is convinced Witchy Bea had something to do with the Sexiest Zombie title Titus received from People magazine. Just between you and me, I think she’s right. Don’t tell Bibidee Bea I said that! I do not want to be turned into a Zombie Pez dispenser. It does sound kind of cool though. I take out my notebook and jot down Mercy Mayhem Pez dispenser under ‘Possible wishes to ask from Bea’ right under Mercy Mayhem action figure and lifetime supply of Nerds.

  I’m still debating how to cash in the favor she owes me. I don’t want to make a rash choice. It’s not every day you get a favor from a Witch. It’s like a blank check only better. In my opinion magic trumps money every single time.

  Pinkerton’s been angling to snatch the favor Bea owes me. He’s wily but I’m onto him. He keeps trying to get me to bite on his bogus bets. It’s not gonna happen though. I’m determined. I am going to get a taste of magic. Even if it is just a small nibble.