From the Mad Journal of Mercy Mayhem Read online

  February 3, 2017

  Is it possible to shoot a hole in the sun? If so, please let me know how. That stupid thing is mocking me with its brightness.

  My 5k training took a tragic turn today. I tried to jump hurdles (public trashcans) and fell on my ass. It turns out I may not be as coordinated as I thought I was. The worst part was the hideous Humans laughing at me. Some even took pictures to post on their stupid social media sites no doubt. I had a quick thought of vigilante justice like my club member Pinkerton Floyd but the thought of ingesting their brains made me nauseous. There weren’t enough Nerds or Skittles to help me through it and the thought of possibly Zombiefying them is not an option. They do not deserve the privilege.

  Humans are awful. Zombie’s forever!!

  February 4, 2017

  Well, it’s a new day. My 5k training was such an epic fail yesterday I decided the only way to overcome it was to get back on that proverbial horse and make it my bitch. Then I decided a better idea would be to stay in bed all day noshing on pizza, candy corn, green peanut M & M’s and pickled brains. Okay, not the pickled brains but everything else is true. Do you thing Kailani has ever pickled brains? I must remember to ask her. It sounds kind of awesome.

  February 5, 2017

  I’ve been thinking about my little stumble on the road to achieving my 5k dream. I think what I need is to find a way to get back my tiger eye. You know the Eye of the Tiger. I just need a little inspiration. So I did what every athlete facing an obstacle does. I downloaded the full Rocky collection and am currently binge watching while filling my gut with more junk food. Definitely a productive use of my time.

  I can feel my Zombie spirit rising.

  February 9, 2017

  Okay so my 5k funk lasted a little longer than I thought it would but all is well now. I am now back to the land of the walking dead. After finishing the Rocky marathon, I was still without the tiger eye. Suddenly it occurred to me I had a group for this. Julia Caesar was the first one on my call list and boy did she set me straight.

  Today I decided the hell with all those stupid Humans. What do I care if they laugh at me? Who are they? I am a damn Zombie!! Zombies will be around long after Human’s have ceased to exist. That was pretty much Julia’s pep talk to me. Only the way she said it sounded more like a beat down.

  Whatever, it worked. I’m back and those Humans better look out! That 5k will be mine.

  February 10, 2017

  My 5k training is back on track. Yesterday I raced a dog and smoked his little ass. It was a Chihuahua but still. A win is a win.

  Despite my mini break I think I may be in better form than ever. All that junk food seems to have given me added speed. No really. I’m a Zombie remember. That’s how our bodies work. Don’t go judging me by weak Human standards.

  While I was sleeping my sewing circle expanded by three. Apparently the other group members have also been recruiting. I don’t mind at all. It was getting a little irksome having to sort through all these Zombie hopefuls. It’s not like I need to control the recruitment process. This is so much better. Really. Doesn’t bother me a bit. But just between you and me if they screw this up heads will roll.

  February 11, 2017

  Looks like one of our new group initiates is a little someone named Mary Mary. It seems Kailani just happened to run into her at the pub Mary Mary and I made arrangements to meet. What a coincidence. Anyway Mary ditto is some kind of animal whisperer. Cats, dogs, parakeets, goats; it doesn’t matter. They all love her. I guess this could come in handy if we need to build an ark.

  The other two are twins (yep Zombie twins) named Abel and Caine Woodley. They were recruited by Pinkerton. Abel and Caine are, according to Pink, amazing hunters. I’m pretty sure Julia is going to love that.

  My 5k training is going strong. I went swimming last night and I’m pretty sure I’m improving. I didn’t belly flop this time and only half sank. I also ingested far less water. The splashing well that’s just a Zombie thing. Nothing to do about that.

  February 12, 2017

  I accidentally created another Zombie last night. He was a doctor of something. I didn’t really pay attention to the details. He was super smart and I was packing Nerds but I just could not seem to finish my meal. I don’t know what the problem was maybe it’s all my training. Cursed physical exertion!

  I haven’t yet told the group about my discovery of Zombie reproduction. It’s possible they already know but I doubt it. I’m pretty sure Julia Caesar would already be well on her way to a massive regime. The only one I think might have figured it out is Pink. He’s wily. I need to remember to keep an eye on him. It’s kind of hard though. Any time I’m around him I get distracted by his hair and piercings. I’m pretty sure that was his intention. Like I said, he’s wily.

  Maybe I’ll share with Tupelo. He doesn’t strike me as the type to abuse knowledge. I need to give this some thought.

  February 15, 2017

  Julia Caesar volunteered to help me with my 5k training. Did I mention I never asked for her help? Because I most definitely didn’t! She showed up at 4 a.m. dressed in black and gray camouflage workout gear and announced we would be going for a run.

  She looked less than impressed with my neon green sweatpants and pink tank top. Did I care? More than I’d like to admit but what could I do? I don’t have a magic closet that can change my clothes into trendy fashion pieces. I’m a work in progress. And did I mention it was 4 a.m.? I think it bears repeating.

  She made me run for four hours and then she made me do something called burpees while she stood over me yelling, “FASTER”. I wanted to curse her out but to be honest she kind of scares me. I think I may be traumatized but I’m not sure. Can Zombies be traumatized? I must look into that.

  I pretty sure this is what the Humans call training camp. I don’t like it. Is Julia trying to make me a soldier? By all that is dead I hope not. I need to be brave and make her understand this is only for the 5k in March (next month)! I will be racing Humans for Mercy’s sake not Zombies. Maybe tomorrow I will be brave enough to tell her.

  Zombie Courage!!

  February 17, 2017

  I think I’m in Hell. Julia now has me running 4 hours, followed by an hour of burpees, and then she times me as I run an obstacle course (crawling under a rope net, running through tires, climbing a wall). She was going to have me swim for 30 minutes to cool off but when she saw how ‘disgraceful’ my form was she kept me doing laps for 2 hours. I guess most Zombies don’t splash around like I do. I’m totally okay with that. Apparently it’s not so okay with Julia.

  I’m sure you’ve guessed by now that I wasn’t able to summon courage to confront Julia Caesar. I’m still working on it. She hasn’t exactly given me time to think. If you haven’t realized it yet I’m a procrastinator. Every action first requires a great amount of contemplation. I’m pretty sure this is a Zombie trait. Do not tell Julia I said that!!

  February 18, 2017

  Since I’m still too chicken to say no to Julia I’m doing the next best thing. I’m avoiding her. I figure after a few days of not being able to locate me she’ll give up. On second thought, this is Julia I’m talking about. It will take at least a month.

  Pinkerton Floyd is letting me stay on his couch. He promised not to tell Julia. I believe him and not because of some honor code. Pink deals in favors. In other words, I’m indebted to him and he definitely will be looking for payback at some point. Does that worry me? If I think about it then of course it does. But why borrow trouble? Tomorrow’s a mystery. I prefer to leave it that way.

  February 19, 2017

  Pinkerton Floyd is the devil. He doesn’t respect my privacy. He read my personal journal and penciled rude comments in the margins. It took me ages to erase everything because the Bachelor was on. I know you’re wondering why a Zombie cares about a Human reality show but have you seen it? I’m pretty sure those people are not actually Human. They’re not Zombies but I would probably categorize them as
‘other’ for now. I must think on this.

  I snuck out to use the public pool around the block. After all I cannot allow my current circumstances to interfere with my 5k training. I didn’t know Pink had followed me until I heard him laughing. He laughs like a donkey by the way. It’s repulsive. Okay not really but how dare he laugh at my swimming technique! He also videotaped it and threatened to send it to Julia. Apparently now I owe him two favors. I told you he was sneaky.

  Is it possible to permanently kill another Zombie? If so how? And is there a Zombie police? I must think on this but not now. HGTV has a new House Hunter International episode on.

  February 20, 2017

  Pink has appointed himself my new trainer. Why do these Zombies keep doing this to me? Do I seem undisciplined to you? Don’t answer that! The answer is no. I can handle my own training schedule. I run when I can and I swim as needed.

  This morning Pink took the remote and made me chase him to get it back. That bastard!! He knew there was a marathon of Charmed this morning on the TV Channel. I must learn to keep important information like that to myself.

  I chased him for an hour. He may look like a deadbeat but that Zombie can haul ass even in biker boots. I’m pretty sure the only reason I caught up to him was because he let me but whatever. I caught him. A wins a win. That’s all that matters. Also, Pink’s one-hour run versus Julia’s six-hour torture routine is such an improvement.

  I am Queen of the Zombies!! Don’t tell Julia I said that!

  February 20, 2017

  Damn Pinkerton Floyd to Hell!! Yesterday, just when I thought I was in the clear with a single hour run he pulls another twisted trick. I was on episode 8 of Charmed and elbow deep in a bag of potato chips when he snapped another pic. With a not at all charming grin he blackmailed me into a hunt with the boys. And by boys I mean Abel and Caine Woodley the ‘great’ hunters.

  That’s how I found myself at midnight being chased across the backcountry by three idiot Zombie males armed with paint guns and night vision goggles. By backcountry I mean the hiking park.

  The guys didn’t actually need the goggles. Zombie night vision is amazing. The only reason they wore the goggles was because I had mentioned to Pink how creepy I thought they were. I must remember not to tell him things!!

  The only things I was armed with were my Nikes, a box of Nerds and a bag of Twizzlers. I didn’t let that deter me though. Three Zombie males are no match for an angry Zombie female.

  Pink made me wear white. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the color white? Can it even be classified as a color? White is really just an absence of color. Which is why I don’t own any white clothes. I had to borrow from Pink. Pink is over six feet and thin. I am neither. I kind of looked like a marshmallow in the outfit. Pink is now my second least favorite color.

  Have I mentioned that I watch a lot of television? Well, I do. Survival shows are especially interesting to me. I like to imagine what I would do in a given situation. This was my opportunity to put my useless information to a test against TwiddleDee, TwiddleDum and TwiddleJackass.

  They gave me a 10-minute head start because they were feeling generous and I took it because I’m not a moron. I ran in a serpentine pattern because I hoped it would confuse them also because I wasn’t sure what direction to go. When I came across some mud I rolled in it. Yes, it’s gross but I needed something to dim the glaring brightness of my outfit and also because the clothes belonged to Pink and he was not at all my favorite Zombie at that moment.

  I scattered Nerds in random locations to hopefully misdirect them and also because I didn’t know what I was doing exactly. I munched on Twizzlers because I eat when I’m nervous. I climbed halfway up a tree before finally falling off. Obviously climbing is not my thing. Unlike the wall in Julia’s obstacle course, the tree didn’t have a rope to help me.

  I crawled into some bushes when I heard one of the guys approaching which told me it was Pink. I was pretty sure great hunters didn’t make that much noise. The smell of mango and the sound of his dying- goat laugh confirmed it. When I felt the paint pellet hit my exposed ass it was like salt in my wounded pride.

  Today I made a new resolution. Pinkerton Floyd is going to feel my wrath!! If he wants to deal in favors so be it. All I need is to get some dirt on him. How hard could it be?

  February 23, 2017

  I’m pretty sure Pink is onto me. He keeps foiling my plans to follow him. He’ll oh so casually mention Naked and Afraid is on or that he has left over Chinese food in the refrigerator. Once I’m distracted he sneaks out. Damn him for knowing my weaknesses!

  I know I just need to buckle down and get serious. No more distractions no matter how enticing the carrot he dangles. I have will power. At least I’m pretty sure I do. I’ve never really tested it out. Damn that Zombie for making me practice new skills!!

  February 24, 2017

  I had a moment of inspiration. The best way to Pinkerton Floyd is through the twins Abel and Caine Woodley. After all he handpicked them for the group. He included them in the hunt of me though I’m pretty sure that was just to scare me. In any case, I figured it was time to get acquainted with the Woodley twins.

  The twins are a bit odd. They finish each other’s sentences. Caine does this weird sniffing thing. I guess hunter Zombies do that. Abel has a really intense stare. Their eyes are a chilly ice blue. They both give off a definite animal vibe. I need to remember to introduce them to Mary Mary. I need to see if she has the same effect on them as she does on animals. It’s purely a thirst for knowledge and not nosiness. Really. It could be an important discovery for Zombiekind.

  The information I obtained from them about Pink was useless. It was limited to things I had observed myself. He wears a mango scent. He studies people. He collects debts. He is wily. He’s an asshole. Okay that last one was my own contribution. I’m sure they’re also aware of it but I’m the only one willing to state the obvious.

  I’m certain they know more. I’m also certain they are holding out. Yep, the more I think about the more sense it makes. The intro between Mary ditto and the twins needs to happen soon. She could be my key to cracking Pinkerton Floyd. But first I need to go for a run. I can never lose track of my original goal.

  I will conquer all those humans in the ultimate match. That 5k crown will be mine!!!

  February 25, 2017

  Apparently 5k winners don’t receive crowns. Is it wrong that I feel a little less motivated to compete? Do you think the race coordinators take suggestions? While a medal sounds nice a sparkly crown would be so much better. Don’t you think?

  I’ve continued with my training despite the disappointment. Yesterday I raced an old man. He won but I’m thinking he may have been a Zombie because he was really fast. Also, I used my new running shoes which were not broken in yet. I’m sure that’s why he won so I don’t think I should consider it a legitimate win. Don’t tell Julia Caesar!

  I also introduced Mary Mary to the Woodley twins last night unfortunately Pink was also there. He picks the worst times to show up! Sure I used Pinkerton’s place to do the introduction but still. It’s like he knows when I don’t want him around.

  Abel and Caine took to Mary ditto like every other animal. They looked at her like she held all the secrets to the world and she responded to them the same way. It was fascinating. The fact that Pink also seemed intrigued by the three’s interaction waned my own interest. I could practically feel his mind searching for ways to exploit the situation.

  At that moment I knew all my strategizing was a waste of time. Pinkerton was so far ahead of me in that department I had no hope of catching up. So there was nothing else to do. I left the party in search of a swimming pool.

  February 26, 2017

  Julia Caesar found me. Apparently Mary Mary ratted me out. She said she didn’t know I was avoiding Julia although I’m pretty sure the first words out of my mouth to her were “Don’t tell Julia!” before giving her Pink’s address.

  The first
words out of Julia’s mouth were “You are a weak Zombie”. What was I supposed to say to that? I didn’t know so I said nothing. I just turned around, sat on the couch and began working my way through a bag of Twizzlers.

  Pinkerton was sitting in an armchair watching the whole thing with a gleeful grin. That is until Julia pointed at him and commanded him to get out. That moment was almost worth all the torture I was sure would follow. Pink looked as though he might argue but after a moment of taking Julia’s stock he stood and exited. I guess being the shrewd observer he is he recognized Julia was not to be messed with.