Welcome to the Apocalypse Page 3

  “I’ll never doubt you again.” I could tell she didn’t believe me. Maybe she was learning after all.

  3

  Chapter Three

  After Life is when the real fun happens.

  Humans don’t know what they’re missing.

  -from the mouth of Titus Remington

  Mercy Mayhem

  Safe House in the Woods, the middle of nowhere

  When Julia and Titus arrived I played it cool. I gave them a casual nod and a “What’s up?”. All the while though my inner nerd was shouting, “Sisterhood of the Traveling Zombies!”

  I’m not a nerd anymore though. I’m a Mad Ninja! Wait. Damn Pinkerton Floyd for putting that in my head! I’m a Zombie Ninja Assassin. A ZOMBIE NINJA ASSASSIN!

  “What happened to your face,” asked Julia as she inspected the damage I did to Pink. He looked at me and I squinted my eyes at him and shook my head aggressively. No! This needed to be our secret. If Julia found out she’d expect me to be kickass all the time. Who needs that kind of pressure?

  Also, she’ll probably want to test me out by facing off with me. The last time that happened I barely survived by accidentally stabbing her. I doubt I could do it again. Nope, can’t risk it. I have plans! There are rumors there could be a Buffy reunion. No way am I missing that!!

  Pink looks at me innocently then grins. He taps the center of his palm. That rat Zombie! He expects payment. He wants the favor that he owes me back.

  I shake my head again even more vehemently. I never score favors off of him. He owes me dammit! I have plans for him. He will be my Little Pink Pony.

  Pink sighs and shakes his own head sadly. “Mercy,” he starts then pauses and looks at me.

  “He was attacked by a bear, I think. A BEAR,” I shout. I didn’t mean to yell but I was nervous. I always feel like Julia can tell when I’m lying. “I found him in the woods unconscious,” I continued. At least that part sounded normal.

  “Why weren’t you with him,” asked Titus. He was toying with his beard like he does when he’s suspicious. I didn’t say what I wanted to say which was “None of your business!”

  Instead I said the lamest thing ever, “I don’t remember.”

  “Why not? Were you attacked by the bear too,” laughed Titus. He is a big, giant Zombie jackass. One day I’ll be brave enough to say it to his face. For now, I’ll just say it to you. Do not tell Titus I said that!

  “You know what? I don’t care. You and Pinkerton can keep your secrets. We have other things to worry about,” muttered Julia with an annoyed huff of breath. She let me off the hook. That is true sisterhood!

  “Have you made contact with the rest of the group,” I ask, changing the subject.

  “Yes. They’re all fine for now. They separated into three groups. Caine, Abel, Mary Mary and Carmony went east. Tupelo, Kailani, Paisley and Denim went west. EZ Ryder and his friends went back to their commune since they weren’t photographed. I’m pretty sure they’re backing out of the revolution.”

  “What about Dirth Vader,” I hate to ask but I feel like we need to keep tabs on him.

  “He’s become something of a Twitter sensation with gems like ‘The world will tremble at our presence’ and ‘Bow down to the Zombies or feel our wrath’,” snorted Titus.

  Geez, I knew Dirth was lame but how dare he embarrass all Zombies with his corny phrases. Note to self: think of better phrases to send Dork Vader.

  Team Zombie definitely need some major PR damage control. First Carmony having a munch fest in a back alley and now the twitter nerd alerts. Zombies will become a laughingstock. We need to pretend we’re cool dammit! By the time everyone figures out we’re not it will be too late. We’ll already own the world.

  Pink, Julia and Titus were all looking at me like I’d lost my mind. Did I say all that out loud?

  “If you don’t want anyone to know you’re not cool you better tuck away the crazy,” Pink advised.

  “Crazy is the new cool. Everybody knows that,” I scoffed. And that’s how you do it. Pretending is the easiest thing in the world. Hey, don’t judge me! You know you do it too. Right? If you don’t, you should try it.

  “Julia, maybe you should tweet,” I suggested. I thought it was a brilliant idea. Titus was behind her waving his arms at me and shaking his head ‘no’. Of course it was too late. Julia obviously didn’t agree with me. She scowled so hard at me I probably should have turned to ash.

  “Social media was devised by Humans to subjugate weak minded people to the opinions of cruel hearted deviants,” she hissed.

  Titus patted her on the back and explained,” She had a bad experience with Tumblr.”

  “Spock was the true leader of that ship! Everybody knows that,” she growled.

  Huh, I never would have pegged Julia as a Trekkie. I guess you learn something new every day. It’s like our sisterhood was fated!

  “Well, maybe Titus should be our designated tweeter,” another suggestion because I just can’t seem to help myself. Someone please stop me! “You might seem cool to people who don’t know you.”

  Titus’ scowl was blacker than Julia’s. His size added to his fierceness. Looking at him it occurs to me he could probably carry off Dirth’s pathetic lines. I think he actually could make someone tremble at his presence. Not me of course. It’s just chilly in here. Really!

  “You don’t think I’m cool,” he grumbled, offended.

  “No. You’re scary. That’s better,” I spoke the truth. He was the second scariest person I knew. The first was Julia Caesar of course. Look up the word ‘badass’ in the dictionary and you’ll see her picture or at least you will once Zombies rule the world.

  “You’re right. I am better than cool,” grinned Titus. It wasn’t quite what I meant but whatever. “I could tweet Dirth into the ground,” he was getting a little cocky now but it was still the truth. I think I could tweet Dork Vader into the ground and I’ve never tweeted in my life.

  “I’ll need to approve anything you tweet before it goes out,” that’s the Julia I know and love. Gripping control with both hands. “We can’t afford to get into twitter wars with the likes of that Zombie traitor.”

  Too bad. A twitter war sounded interesting. Words over weapons. I know that’s weird thinking for a Zombie Ninja Assassin. The truth is words can sometimes do more damage than a bullet.

  “Do you think any of the coalition leaders are reliable allies,” asked Pink. I almost snorted. He doesn’t think we should trust anyone. What he really wants to know is if Julia and Titus are allowing possible threats into our group.

  “Yes, but we’re not willing to risk an alliance right now. We’ll wait it out and see what happens,” Julia answered.

  “Some of the males seemed to be threatened by Julia’s natural leadership abilities,” Titus tactfully added. In other words, some sexist male Zombies were threatened by Julia Caesar’s complete awesomeness.

  “Then we don’t need them,” I decided. “Julia is the one that initiated the Zombie Alliance to begin with.”

  “We can’t take on the world with just 12 Zombies,” reasoned Julia. “We’re going to have to trust other factions eventually.”

  “We will. Just not yet. We need to see how they handle themselves,” Pinkerton retorted. “In the meantime we need to work on getting our group reunited.”

  “I agree,” I chimed in. It’s rare for me to agree with Pinkerton but I like where his mind is right now. “We’re better together than apart. Like the Zombie pledge says ‘let none come between us’.

  “Okay, we’ll figure out a meeting place after we get some rest,” declared Titus. When Julia would have argued with him he shook his and crossed his arms in front of his chest. They held a staring contest for an uncomfortably long moment before Julia relented.

  “Fine, but we can only afford to take a couple of hours to rest,” was her attempt at negotiation. Titus just nodded in agreement.

  They slept most of the day. I doubt they got any rest at all sinc
e Dirth started this whole thing.

  While they slept Pinkerton and I planned. He said he was calling in reinforcements in the form of Grandma Roses and her club. He says he distrusts her less than most. I guess that’s a twisted sort of compliment. I almost asked if he trusts me less or more than Grandma Moses but then I figured it’s best not to know. I’ve decided he trusts me more. This is based on nothing more than wishful thinking. What can I say? That’s where I live.

  Sometime while Julia slept Lumina snuck in and cuddled up next to her. My cat loves a good snuggle and Julia didn’t seem to mind. She hugged Lumina to her like a pillow. Lumina crept out before Julia woke up so I guess no harm no foul. What Julia doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

  “We’ve decided the group needs to stay separated for now,” Julia announced when she and Titus got up. “We’ll continue north. I think we can help the cause better by spreading our reach through the areas we travel through. We’re going to need all the allies we can get.”

  I hated to admit it but she was right. I wanted the group reunited but what Julia said made sense. We needed to consider the bigger picture. The family reunion would just have to wait.

  Pink didn’t look all that pleased by her announcement but he didn’t argue which is not really a surprise. He tends to hold his cards close to his chest until he’s ready to play his hand.

  “Start gathering your things. We’ll need to leave in an hour,” boomed Titus. Why was he yelling? This was not boot camp. It’s just Pink and me. I tell you that male is so irritating sometimes. How can Julia stand him?

  Pinkerton slowed his pace. It was a predictable reaction to Titus’ attitude. Pink doesn’t take well to being ordered.

  Julia was already in the process of packing her backpack. I was halfway there meaning I was holding my backpack. I debated whether or not Pink would notice if I claimed his sweatshirt as my own. I decided ‘what the heck?’. I gave him my back as I stuffed the orange hoodie deep into the bottom of by backpack.

  He didn’t say anything so I also swiped his Grateful Dead t-shirt. Don’t worry, I’m not heartless! I gave him my Partridge Family t-shirt in exchange. Hey! It’s cool and such a classic.

  “Stop stealing my clothes, Mercy!”

  “I’m not stealing them. I’m performing a clothes exchange. It’s a real thing! I saw it on the internet,” I reassured him. He gets so worked up sometimes. Zombies shouldn’t stress so much.

  “It’s only an exchange if I agree to it which I don’t. Also, it’s not a fair exchange when you give me lame in exchange for awesome,” Pink insisted.

  He has a valid point but no way am I admitting it. “The Partridge Family were amazing not lame but if you’d rather have my Reading Rainbow t-shirt I’m willing to renegotiate.”

  He ripped his backpack from my fingers. “Just stay out of my bag. I do not agree to exchanges. Not ever,” he growled. I don’t know why he always has to be so darn difficult.

  “Fine I’ll stay out of your bag but for the record you have a really unhealthy attachment to your clothes,” it had to be said.

  “Well for the record you have zero attachment to your sanity,” replied Pink as if that were supposed to offend me. The truth only hurts if you let it.

  I shrugged, completely unconcerned with his opinion of me. “Sanity is overrated.”

  He didn’t say anything more. He just rolled his eyes and walked out of the room. I picked up his nine millimeter gun from where he left it on his bed and stashed it in my backpack. Anything left behind is not an exchange. It’s mine. I search under the bed. Nothing. Under the mattress. Nothing. Under his pillow. Score! A long dagger with a blue haired ninja anime drawing on the wooden handle and underneath it a large box of Nerds. Weird and mine!

  You’re probably thinking I should feel guilty for keeping Pink’s stuff. It’s wrong. I should return it. Whatever. I don’t feel guilty at all. He stole my 5k dream from me. He will never be able to pay me back for that. Never!

  I toss the can of peppermint hot chocolate I ‘borrowed’ from Pinkerton into my backpack along with the bag of marshmallows. I add my 5lb bag of Twizzlers and I’m ready to go.

  My backpack feels so heavy. I want to complain but I know Pink will be an ass about it so I keep my mouth shut just this once. It’s killing me but I do it.

  Luckily Titus and Pink are carrying the cats. This is good because Lumina is not a lightweight. I love her but it feels like she may have swallowed a gold bar.

  “Mercy, why is your cat so heavy,” griped Titus. As if he has any trouble carrying her! He’s built like a mountain. Carrying Lumina should be nothing for him.

  “She’s not heavy, she’s fluffy,” I say, though I’m lying through my teeth. She is really heavy.

  Pinkerton snorts rudely. “If fluffy means made of lead then I agree.”

  “You’re mean. You better watch what you say. Lumina understands everything.” I’m not kidding. My cat is freaky smart.

  “She loves me,” he insisted. Lumina chose that moment to growl.

  “Used to love you,” I appreciate my cat standing up for herself. She’ll be fat shamed by nobody! “You guys are in for it later. You know she holds a grudge.”

  Pink didn’t say anything more but I could tell he was nervous by the way he kept glancing at Lumina’s carrier. My cat is a ninja too.

  “Can we stop the cat talk,” injected Julia. “It weirds me out.”

  “Well, you didn’t look weirded out when you were clutching her like your favorite pillow,” laughed Titus. Rats! I wasn’t aware he had seen that.

  “No, I wasn’t,” argued Julia, her eyes as wide as coins.

  “Oh, yes you were,” confirmed Pink with a wink in my direction. “You cuddled with her for hours. “Right Mercy?”

  Damn them both! “It was only for a little while,” I lied avoiding eye contact with her.

  “Nope,” denied Titus. “It was hours. Long, long hours.”

  I should have killed him when I had the chance.

  “You need to keep that cat away from me Mercy,” demanded Julia. “You know I don’t like cats.”

  “She’s harmless, mostly. You looked so comfortable. I really think cuddling with her helped you relax,” I assured her.

  “Just keep her away from me,” she insisted. She increased her speed leaving us behind and eliminating any further discussion on the topic.

  “What is her problem with my cat,” I asked no one in particular. “Lumina is a sweetheart, mostly.”

  Pink snorted, “It’s the part that’s not that she objects to I think.”

  “She doesn’t like the way Lumina looks at everyone. She says it creeps her out. It might be the different colored eyes,” Titus explained.

  “Well she’s missing out. Lumina is the coolest cat on the planet,” I declared loudly hoping Julia heard me. Also hoping she didn’t. Courage and fear. I just can’t seem to separate the two.

  Lumina began to purr loudly from the carrier Titus was holding. She obviously appreciated my defense of her. That’s good. I ‘m glad she knows somebody values her uniqueness.

  “Don’t worry, Lumina. I’ve got your back,” I assured her.

  “You’re so weird,” sighed Pink in exasperation. I don’t get what the big deal is. I talk to my cat. So what?

  “Don’t act like you’ve never talked to her. Do you think I didn’t hear you when you told her ‘Lumina, that pink fur blends in so perfectly with your black fur’? I heard,” I exclaimed.

  His cheeks turned red. “I said that for your benefit,” Pinkerton lied.

  Titus snickered but didn’t comment, thankfully.

  I don’t care what anyone says. My cat is a badass. She will be the glue that seals this revolution. Just wait and see. Lumina was born to rule!

  4

  Chapter Four

  If I take a wrong turn and end up in hell

  I just go with it and pretend

  it was my destination all along.

  -from the mad ramblings
of Mercy Mayhem

  Pinkerton Floyd

  North of nowhere

  We’ve hit a wall. Literally. Mercy was arguing with Titus over the radio station and the next thing we know we’re slamming into a yellow brick wall. If it’s possible for a Zombie to have a heart attack I think Julia Caesar may be well on her way there.

  I have to give Julia credit. She has more control than I originally thought. She hasn’t killed Mercy yet. That’s something. Nobody could have blamed her if she tried.

  After she hit that wall Mercy chirped, “Well, I guess fate wants us to stop right here.” Here. In this blink and you miss it town. It’s called Happyville. There’s even a happy face next to the town name on the sign. It has a population of 97. It was 98 but someone changed the 8 to a 7. I guess somebody either left or died. I’m leaning towards died.

  “Really Mercy? You had to strand us in a town called Happyville,” I can’t help it if I sound annoyed. I am annoyed.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. Would Bitterville suit you better,” was her sarcastic reply.

  “What would have suited me better is if you had let Titus choose his lame ass radio station and kept your eyes on the road,” I growled.

  “Hey, my radio station was not lame,” objected Titus.

  “All of you, shut up! This isn’t helping,” shouted Julia. She sounds stressed. She really needs to calm down.

  “Julia, don’t worry,” Mercy said softly, attempting to soothe Julia’s tightly strung nerves. “It will all work out. You’ll see.”

  “Stop talking like that,” Julia ordered. “You sound weird. It’s freaking me out.” Good. I wasn’t the only one thinking that.

  “I agree. Cut it out Mercy,” Titus seconded. I nodded my agreement.

  “Fine! I was just trying keep a positive attitude. All we need to do is find a service station or a mechanic. It’s a small town but still they must have a mechanic. Right?” What she said made sense.