From the Mad Journal of Mercy Mayhem Page 3

  It took her less than an hour to get me up, packed and back home. I told her I didn’t want her to be my trainer. She told me she didn’t care. Apparently by forming this stupid support group I agreed to allow the others to have a say in my existence.

  What the hell was I thinking when I placed that ad? Does this mean I’ll never be able to get rid of Julia or Pink? I could try to sneak away but I let them include hunters in my group. The Woodley boys would track me down in no time. Why do things always have to get so complicated?

  February 27, 2017 k'12

  Can Zombie’s kill themselves? If so, how?

  Julia has me on the worst training schedule in the history of Zombie training. She’s also incorporated the others in my torture. I run with her for 4-hours starting at 4 a.m. I run the obstacle course with the Woodley twins for an hour with Mary Mary’s dog’s chasing me. Fun! I spend 2-hours swimming laps with Pink of all Zombies. The whole time he laughs at my splashing and if he doesn’t stop videotaping my swims I don’t know what I’ll do but it will be bad!

  I have a 2- hours mid-day for myself. Well, for myself and Kailani. I guess Julia doesn’t trust me not to run off so I have a babysitter. Awesome. Tupelo James works with me on strength training for a couple of hours in the afternoon. I don’t mind that so much because at least he doesn’t laugh at me when I drop/throw the dumb bells no matter how many times it happens. Then Paisley Templeton, Denim Rain and I do some rock climbing. They are so caught up in each other I’m pretty sure I could jump off the side of a mountain and they wouldn’t notice.

  The final activity for the day is hurdle jumping with Carmony Grimshaw. She’s really good at it. She pretty much does all the actual jumping I just kind of run along beside her and pretend to do it with her. We have a silent agreement. I fake jump and she lets me. I think it helps her work out her own stress. The jumping I mean not the lying.

  March 3, 2017

  So I’m about three weeks away from my 5k debut. It’s pretty exciting. It would me more exciting if I didn’t have a team of trainers determined to kill my enthusiasm.

  Julia Caesar is so serious. Yesterday I announced I was going to skip instead of run because it seemed more interesting. I thought she might break her jaw with all the clenching she was doing. She refused to skip with me. I think she was most aggravated by the fact that I don’t actually know how to skip. I’m pretty sure it looked like something between a run and a stumble which I am totally okay with. Julia was less okay with it which made my experience that much more enjoyable.

  I also made an important discovery about Pinkerton Floyd. Apparently he swims worse than I do. He pulled out his phone to record me again and I wrapped my hand around his ankle and yanked him in. After flopping around like a dead fish for a few minutes he began slowly sinking to the bottom of the pool. I would have helped him but I was too busy making my own video account of it. It turns out the taste of revenge is sweet. Score one for me!

  March 4, 2017

  Julia has decided to use my rivalry with Pink as motivation. He’s been removed as my swim trainer. After seeing his own sorry swimming technique or lack thereof, she had no choice. She’s appointed him to be my competition instead. This means my training schedule is now his as well. Of course Pink complained that he didn’t sign up for a 5k. Don’t tell Pink or Julia I said this but that’s a valid complaint.

  I don’t want to give Julia too much credit but her plan seems to be working. I ran twice as far during the 4-hour run as I used to. This is definitely because I refuse to let Pink beat me at anything. His legs are longer so I have to work harder to keep up.

  The obstacle course was done in record time. Luckily for me Mary Mary’s dog Toby loves the scent of Mango. He spends all his time chasing after Pinkerton which is great for me. Too bad for him.

  As for rock climbing I’m still as bad as ever. Pink is not bad. His long arms give him a definite advantage. I don’t really care actually. I don’t see what rock climbing has to do with a 5k anyway.

  The weight lifting again goes to Pink because I don’t care about lifting weights. Strangely enough Pink doesn’t seem to like Tupelo all that much. He says he doesn’t trust anyone that laid back. Of course Tupelo didn’t let Pink’s animosity bother him. He just smiled and acted as though he didn’t notice.

  Carmony seemed to enjoy having Pinkerton’s attention. She looked a lot peppier that usual. She practically flew over the hurdles. Pink was fake charming as we both pretended to jump hurdles on either side of Carmony. I know he’s trying to figure out a way to use Carmony against me. No chance. Carmony is my buddy. No way would she let a male Zombie come between sisterhood.

  March 5, 2017

  Carmony Grimshaw sold me out! Today she said I needed to jump the hurdles for real. No more fake jumping. It’s in my best interest she said as she glanced in Pink’s direction for confirmation. He winked and gave her an approving nod. What an ass!!

  This means Pink will have to jump too right? Wrong! Apparently his legs are so long he could be risking injury to himself by attempting to jump. What a load of nonsense!!

  The fact that I had to jump hurdles while Pinkerton Floyd laughed and took pictures made me so angry I don’t even remember doing it. Afterwards I was secretly a little awed with myself. I didn’t fall once. Please tell Julia!!

  March 6, 2017

  According to Julia Caesar I have made remarkable improvement in just about every area of training. Of course Pinkerton Floyd is trying to take full credit for this. There may be some truth to it but I refuse to acknowledge it. I will not inflate his ego with praise. Carmony, the turncoat, was more than happy to however.

  Tupelo James is totally on my side however which is nice. He said it all begins and ends with me. Allowing Pink to influence my training is a decision made by me therefore the credit belongs to me.

  Can I just say Tupelo is one of my favorite Zombies? I just had this gut feeling about him the minute I met him. I think Pinkerton doesn’t like Tupelo because he’s way cooler. He doesn’t pull stupid stunts or try to blackmail innocent Zombies for no reason at all.

  I guess having a support group isn’t so bad. Zombies United!!!

  March 7, 2017

  Why do my teammates keep turning on me? Tupelo says its time I worked on improving my weightlifting. He says I’m doing so well in other areas of training it would be great to see me apply myself to this.

  He made me do deadlifts today. Lots of them. Then I had to bicep curls. Why is this necessary? I don’t get what this has to do with the 5k. And why does Tupelo have to say things so nicely. I can’t even be snarky to him without feeling guilty. So I was snarky to Pink. It made me feel a lot better.

  March 8, 2017

  I must have washed my clothes too much because they’re all a little baggy. Weird right? I wonder how many washes it takes before that happens. I mentioned this to Julia. She just looked at me strangely and shook her head muttering “What is wrong with her?” under her breath. Since she wasn’t directly talking to me I didn’t bother answering.

  I never realized being a Zombie could be so exhausting but the support group is way more strenuous than I thought it would be. Not only has my 5k training become a group project but everyone seems to have certain needs. And by needs I mean they actually want to talk and seem to expect me to listen to them.

  Remember when I thought Zombies didn’t experience feelings? I was so wrong!! Last night Carmony told me she wished she was Human. She actually cried! I didn’t know what to do so I just patted her back and said “Hush now”. It sounds dumb in the light of day but I saw someone say it in a movie once and thought it sounded comforting. I guess Carmony thought so too because she stopped crying.

  I didn’t say what I wanted to which is being Human sucks. Zombies rule!

  March 9, 2017

  I think Carmony may be crushing on Pinkerton. She wore a pink bodysuit to jump hurdles today and had pink roses threaded into her braid. And she spoke to him in this weird brea
thy voice. That is not the way she normally speaks. When she fluttered her eyelashes at him I almost puked. Where is her dignity? Doesn’t she know Pink is a user?

  He complemented her on her outfit and hair. Then he asked her if she agreed that I should try double hurdles. I guess she agreed. I couldn’t see through the flames clouding my vision. I fell the first 4 times. When Carmony started to question whether we should go back to singles he told her she needed to allow me to stretch myself. What an ass!!

  When I sailed over the hurdles on the fifth try I almost pierced my own eardrums with my screaming. And even though I hate when he videotapes me I checked to make sure he had captured the moment. I completed the rest of the hurdle jumps without incident. After all, almost falling is not the same as actually falling.

  I’ve been considering what I should do after I complete the 5k. Maybe a triathlon. Don’t tell Julia!! I need to think on this.

  March 10, 2017

  For some reason Paisley and Denim are not on speaking terms. Yesterday they couldn’t get enough of each other but today the could barely stand to look at one another. I’m not sure what happened but it’s probably Denim’s fault. Why do I say this? Because sister Zombies should stick together. Yes, I’m giving sisterhood another shot despite Carmony’s huge betrayal.

  Unfortunately for me since they were ignoring each other they paid more attention to me and my training. This means they noticed every fault in my rock climbing technique. For instance, they noticed I never actually left the ground. It’s no different than any other day except today they actually looked at me.

  It’s not that I have a fear of climbing so much as a fear of falling. I mean climbing the side of a cliff is not quite the same as climbing a ten-foot wall. Though Zombies don’t feel physical pain as intensely as Human’s we do feel some pain. I’m kind of partial to no pain. For this reason, I resist any activities that may cause me undue agony.

  Paisley coaxed me into starting the climb. When I paused less than halfway up Denim yelled at me until I continued on. Julia would have been proud. Paisley looked more than a little impressed. I’m not calling it a betrayal but it didn’t really resemble sisterhood either.

  Once I reached the top I was so excited I did a little shimmy. I do not recommend this. One minute I was shouting “I’m on top of the world” and then before I knew it I was falling backward. I don’t know how he did it, but Denim caught my rope before I hit the ground. I landed with a thump instead of a crash.

  Paisley could not stop praising Denim. According to her he was a hero. Not to seem ungrateful but it was his yelling that got me to the top in the first place therefore, it’s his fault I fell. Catching my rope was the least he could do.

  Luckily for me they appear to be back together again. Hopefully tomorrow they can go back to ignoring me.

  March 11, 2017

  Julia Caesar confided to me that she’s been using a Zombie dating service. She announced it while we were in the middle of our 4-hour run and I almost fell on my face. Okay, I actually did fall on my face but I got up really quickly so it hardly counts. I think Pinkerton was just as shocked because he didn’t even laugh at me.

  The truth is I didn’t know there was such a thing as a Zombie dating service. Hell, a few weeks ago I didn’t even know Zombies dated. It feels like the world’s tipped sideways. Apparently she’s been using the service for a few weeks. She said she’s met someone she really likes is considering adding him to our circle.

  I didn’t tell Julia what I really wanted to say which is “The circle is closed!”. I think I’ve mentioned before my fear of her. Well, it hasn’t changed.

  I honestly didn’t think there was any way I’d ever be brave enough to confront her about anything. That is until she told me the guy she was dating was named Dirth Vader (The Chosen!!). It slipped out before my brain even registered I was speaking. “No way in hell!!!”.

  Pinkerton’s eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head. I would have laughed if my tongue hadn’t been stuck to the roof of my mouth. I wanted to run but I swear it felt as though my feet were rooted to the ground.

  It didn’t end there. I heard my voice saying “That psycho tried to kill me!!”. The next thing I knew Pink had shoved me out of the way and was telling Julia I was obviously out of my mind with exhaustion. Too much training he insisted. Like I said before the world is tilted. My arch nemesis was actually trying to protect me.

  Julia arched her brow at me and insisted he was in the circle. According to her Dirth was obviously not trying very hard to kill me. If he was I’d be dead. Then she walked away. In the middle of my training! I’m telling you, sisterhood is not what it used to be.

  Something is definitely off when the one left standing by me is Pinkerton Floyd.

  March 12, 2017

  Julia assigned Abel Woodley to oversee my 4-hour run today. Of course Pink tried to take advantage but Abel takes his duties surprisingly serious. He wouldn’t even allow us to speak. He said we were to be training not talking.

  I think he was just annoyed because he wouldn’t be with Mary Mary during the obstacle course. Able and Caine are both hung up on her. I think they’re competing for her affections. They both make toys for her dogs.

  Anyway the run was painful today. So much so that Pink and I tried to ditch Abel. Of course that didn’t last long and all we accomplished was to make him push us harder.

  I never thought I’d miss Julia Caesar but I do.

  March 13, 2017

  Julia was absent from my training again today. This time she assigned Caine Woodley to oversee us. I learned from yesterday and decided the way to the Woodley’s was obviously through Mary Mary.

  Oh so casually I mentioned how Mary ditto really seemed to enjoy yesterday’s obstacle training with just the two of them. Caine seemed to like hearing that. He actually slowed his pace to hear more since I was hanging back a little.

  Pinkerton picked up my lead telling Caine that he could tell Mary ditto preferred him over Abel. As a male Zombie he could just sense these things. It was complete nonsense but Caine seemed to buy everything Pink was selling. I guess it’s true. We hear what we want to hear.

  We ended up going half the distance we usually do but for some reason I didn’t receive much satisfaction from it. That’s weird isn’t it?

  I wonder what Julia Caesar has been up to.

  March 14, 2017

  Today Paisley Templeton took over for Julia. We ran at a snail’s pace because she spent most of the 4-hours texting Denim. Even Pink looked bored.

  I decided enough is enough. Julia needs to get over it and come back. Pinkerton was actually in agreement with me which is really beginning to weird me out. We decided to ditch the rest of the training today and track her down. It wasn’t hard.

  She lives in a bunker on an abandoned army base. When she opened her door she looked terrible. Not at all like herself. Her purple hair was in tangles. Her clothes were wrinkled. She didn’t have her rainbow contacts in so her eyes were a golden brown and red rimmed as though she’d been crying. It was the first time I felt like I might be able to take her in a fight.

  It seems she and Dirth had a falling out. He ended up coming at her the way he’d done to me and left limping. She was so upset that she’d been taken in by him. Personally I can’t really imagine how that even happened. He doesn’t hide his creepiness at all.

  I felt really bad for her. She says it’s difficult to find a male as strong as she is. I didn’t know what to say so I patted her back and murmured “Hush now”. I figured it worked with Carmony maybe it would work on Julia. Of course it didn’t. She looked at me in confusion and asked what I meant by that. I just told her everything would be fine since I figured that’s what everyone wanted to hear when things were bad.

  It worked because she nodded and put her head on my shoulder.

  I guess sisterhood was starting with the most unlikely person. Me.

  March 15, 2017

  My family gr
oup is back together again. Julia was her usual self. She acted as though nothing had transpired and I took her cue and did the same. But I’m sure deep inside she felt the bond of true sisterhood. How could she not? I saved her. Or at least helped her. Okay, supported her which is basically the same thing. Right? Don’t answer that!!

  In any case everyone is happy to have her back. None more than me. After all, I’m pretty sure my training was suffering in her absence.

  March 16, 2017

  Julia Caesar is the devil incarnate. She used a whistle during training. No doubt it was done just to aggravate me. Every once in a while she’d holler “Mayhem you’re falling behind” and then blow that damn whistle three or four times.

  She’d do the same with Pink. “Pinkerton you run like a Human” whistle, whistle, whistle. I thought Pink was going to let her have it. His face was so red and angry looking. Somehow he kept it together though.